The Quibbler's New Scoop
by ijimmiedthewindow
Summary: Hermione feels the need to seek revenge on all of the people who have wronged Harry over recent years. Using the knowledge she has about Rita Skeeter, she uses her to publish stories about people that aren't exactly true.
1. First Target: Draco Malfoy

"Okay, Rita, if you want to keep your secret well hidden there are things in which I need you to do for me."

Hermione was sitting in the booth of the Three Broomsticks talking in hushed tones to an irritable Rita Skeeter. Rita wasn't dressed as luxurious as she usually was but that was because she was under a lot of stress to keep her secret of being an illegal animagus. Hermione felt that this was a pleasant change for she thought that, donned in her usual apparel, Rita looked like a five-dollar prostitute. Of course she never said that to her face. Rita rolled her eyes at the thought of what Hermione would make her do but she reluctantly leaned forward to catch every word.

"Now," Hermione began with a look of complete relish, " I need you to submit every story I give you, WITHOUT changing a single word. Even if there is something in there that you may find...unpleasant."

Rita's eyes widened. The thought of her reputation being ruined was probably her greatest fear.

"I thought," Rita began in a voice that was dripping with dislike, "I did this already last year. I already wrote what Harry told me to write and it all worked out. Why do you still need me?"

Hermione grinned. "Oh I don't need that sort of thing anymore Rita. What I need this time is payback."

Rita gulped but all the while was staring at Hermione with complete curiosity.

"What kind of payback are we talking about?" she asked.

"Payback for the horrible filth that you wrote about Harry! It's not like I'm paying you back directly though. I'm just using your name to get the stories that I write published."

"Exactly how are you going to accomplish that?" she said with a scowl.

"I already told you. I'm going to give you a story about somebody, probably twice a week or more, and you'll get the story published in the Quibbler. I personally think that we should attack somebody small and not quite as important for a first victim. The we'll get to the really big and important people."

Hermione's eyes were glinting maliciously. Rita thought that she looked somewhat psychotic.

"Why should I do this if you are just going to ruin my reputation anyway?"

"Ruin your reputation? Are you joking? You weren't so hesitant to reveal everything to the Daily Prophet."

"That's just it. Why does it have to be published in the Quibbler? That magazine is for slightly odd people, written by slightly odd people."

"Well I think it's safe to say that we won't be able to publish what I want to write about in the Daily Prophet. They'd throw it away."

"And what about the readers? Not many people read the Quibbler."

"Oh don't worry about that. I'm going to spread it all over the school and if all goes well with my connections, I'll have them flying all over the ministry as well."

"You are a wicked, dirty, sneaky..."

"Not another word or I yell a rat, or perhaps a beetle."

Rita silenced herself immediately. Hermione smiled. "Very well then, I think this meeting is adjourned. Oh and one more thing, you may also take stories from Harry and Ron. And remember, do not change one word."

She made a swift slicing motion with her finger across her neck. Rita got the picture.

"Here's the first story," she said, handing a small pile of parchment to Rita, "written by yours truly."

Rita snorted, Hermione pretended not to hear.

"It's rather short so you should be done with it by tonight," she said as she gathered her things and prepared to leave, "until next time."

She waved and left the Three Broomsticks leaving Rita alone with many mixed feelings and an outrageous story to print.

The next morning, Hermione sat at the breakfast table in the great hall awaiting the morning post. She was very fidgety and hardly touched her breakfast.

"Uh, Hermione?" asked Ron as he leaned over towards her so that he could whisper, "do you need to use the lavatory?"

"No I don't need to use the lavatory, I'm just a little excited."

"Well can you stop? People are starting to stare."

Ron was right. A lot of people were watching her little jig with concerned looks. She smiled at her nosy classmates and ceased her fidgeting.

"Are you going to eat that Hermione?" Harry said from across the table, eyeing her untouched plate greedily.

"Go ahead."

Harry grabbed her plate and started shoveling down her food like a mini garbage disposal.

"You hungry, mate?" Ron asked, noticeably disgusted.

Harry said something that sounded like "Ulf" and continued to wolf down his food.

Hermione sighed as she watched Harry make a complete fool of himself and wondered if seeking revenge for him was going to be worth it.

"So Hermione," said Ron, prying his eyes away from Harry the hog, "what are you so excited about?"

Hermione leaned in closely as not to be overheard, "I gave Rita the story last night."

Ron looked slightly confused for a minute and then it dawned on him, "Oh. You're finished with the first story already. We were only just talking about it. I wasn't even sure that you were actually going to go through with it."

Hermione's face fell, "What do you mean you weren't sure? You practically wet yourself with excitement about this idea."

"I know but you could get in some serious trouble with this."

"I can not and I will not, Ronald Weasley and if you back out of this now I will be very unhappy about it."

"All right, all right," said Ron in fear for his life, "whom did you write about?"

"It's a surprise," said Hermione with a wicked grin.

"Hermione, has anyone ever told you that you look really creepy when you're up to no good?"

Hermione was about to respond when she heard the sound that was always associated with the arrival of the morning post. She practically screamed with enjoyment as the owls came swooping down throughout the hall.

While mostly everyone who received their mail only got one owl, Hermione got about ten of them, all of which were carrying a rather large bundle of what was unmistakably newspaper. Hermione screamed with delight as owls touched down in front of her all of which were in a scramble to deliver their package first. Hermione paid each owl and then ripped open the first copy of the Quibbler that she could lay a hand on. A lot of people in the hall were staring at Hermione again without much luck as she was now surrounded by copy upon copy of the Quibbler. She flipped through the paper, skimming each page quickly to locate her story when she finally found it on the fourth page.

A large picture of Draco Malfoy, dressed in what looked like a wedding dress and holding up a rather large flobberworm, grinned maliciously out at the viewer. The picture moved to show him kissing and smiling at the ugly, glutinous creature in his hand. (Hermione had of course taken this picture with Colin Creevy's camera and bewitched it to make it look the way it did. It was originally a picture of Malfoy in his school uniform making rude faces at the flobberworm.) Immediately following the amusing picture was the article with a bold headline that read:

_**Draco Malfoy Weds a Flobberworm** _

_Magnificent was the only word to describe the glorious ceremony in which Draco Malfoy and a flobberworm that once belonged to Hogwarts gamekeeper, Rubeus Hagrid, were joined in love and holy matrimony. Never before has an event involving such diverse company been accomplished in the present day. The wedding was held semi-privately just inside the Forbidden Forest but was welcome to all prying eyes. We luckily got an interview with the blushing bride, Draco Malfoy shortly after the ceremony. _

"_I am truly pleased that I have found such a wonderful life partner who has so much in common with myself." _

_Malfoy pauses momentarily to kiss his newlywed and continues on._

"_We will be attending our honeymoon in the forbidden forest and we are planning on having a rather large family."_

_Although the ceremony was mainly private, we also found some people who were more than glad to give us an interview. We spoke with the enchanting and exhaustingly beautiful Hermione Granger who had this to say._

"_Draco Malfoy has always been a prat in my eyes, but after what he did in the name of uniting wizard and magical creature by marrying this flobberworm, he will always have a place in my heart. I wish them both good luck."_

_We also spoke with the gamekeeper in which we mentioned earlier, the man who introduced the two. _

"_Well, I always knew that there were sparks between them two, but I never thought it would go this far. He told me when he first laid eyes on that flobberworm that it was love at first sight and I believed him." Hagrid wipes a tear from his eye as he tells this beautiful story. _

_As for the two newlyweds, they are still living happily, although semi-secretly, together. So if you happen to see either one on your daily travels, wish them good luck and a long happy life together._

Hermione read the article over and over several times to check that it was word for word and when she satisfied she handed copies to Ron and Harry.

"Turn to page four," she said with a large satisfied grin on her face.

They both opened the papers and as their eyes traveled further down the page, their grins grew wider and wider. Eventually, Harry started to laugh rather loudly as Ron choked on the pumpkin juice that he had just taken a sip of. Hermione started laughing as well and the whole Great Hall was now staring them.

Hermione suddenly jumped on top of her seat and shouted, "Anybody want a copy? Only seven sickles!"

Seeing Harry and Ron in complete delight, almost everybody rushed over to grab a copy of the Quibbler. Pretty soon, the whole hall was ringing with laughter. People were rolling on the floor, spitting out their drinks, and doubling over with hilarity. Hermione felt extremely accomplished and suggested that they make a break for it before it got too rowdy. They all left the Great Hall just as Malfoy got a hold of a copy.

"Wait Hermione I wanted to see his reaction," shouted Ron who was still laughing rather hard.

"Oh we'll see his reaction," she said with a sinister grin as they left for their first class, "don't worry, if all goes according to plan then people will be talking about this for weeks."


	2. Second Target: Filch

The day after the article was published, Malfoy was suspiciously nowhere to be found. Hermione, upon hearing this news, figured that he had gone into hiding and had given herself a huge pat on the back. Life was suddenly much easier for the three of them. They no longer had to worry about being verbally abused by each and every one of Malfoy's snide comments on their way to class.

The day in which the article had appeared in Hogwarts proved to be a hilarious one. Every once in a while when Malfoy was passing in the halls you would hear someone yell out, "Hey Draco! How's your better half?" Sometimes you even heard the occasional, "Hey Malfoy! When are we going to meet your husband, or wife, or whatever it is? Expecting yet?" The thing that was truly great about it was that Malfoy was so stupid that he didn't yet realize that Hermione had written the story, even though she added that thing about her being "Exhaustingly beautiful" which she thought would be a dead giveaway.

Another added bonus was that they still heard stories about Malfoy and the flobberworm that people had made up themselves. Hermione heard from a couple of 4th year Hufflepuffs that Malfoy had gone away to live with the flobberworms. Hermione also heard the ridiculous, although hilarious, rumor that Malfoy went off to start a singing career with his new flobberworm partner. All of these rumors were exactly what Hermione had wanted and expected and she was soon very popular with Harry and Ron.

"Hermione," Ron had said out of nowhere one day, "I just wanted you to know that you are incredibly brilliant."

"Thanks, Ron."

"Yeah Hermione," said Harry, "that was the most brilliant idea you've ever had."

"Thanks, Harry."

Hermione rather enjoyed this attention because usually it was always Ron and Harry hanging out together and she would be in the library. "Even Crabbe and Goyle seem to be missing," said Hermione triumphantly. "I guess they really can't survive without Malfoy to lead them. They probably went in to hiding with him, the dunderheads."

"Yeah," Harry said, "they're a bit like parasites if you ask me. So who are you writing about next?"

"I don't know," Hermione said, furrowing her brow, "I still should write about someone who is fairly insignificant."

"What do you mean by insignificant?" asked Ron.

"Oh, you know, somebody with very little or no power who wouldn't be able to stop us if they found out. You know, like students or others in the school that have no authority.

"How about Pansy?" suggested Harry.

"Nah, too easy."

"Crabbe or Goyle?" said Ron.

"No. It wouldn't be as funny since they aren't here to make fun of after it's published. Plus they're too stupid. People will think that whatever I write is normal for them."

"Cho Chang!" Harry practically screamed it.

"What?" Hermione said, looking puzzled. "Why would you want to seek revenge on her?"

"Because she embarrassed me a few times, remember?" Harry said hopefully, looking at Hermione.

"Harry. That's because you are tactless when it comes to women. Plus she would cry about it."

"But..."

"Anyone else besides Cho, Crabbe, Goyle, and pug-face...I mean Pansy?" said Hermione, cutting Harry off.

"I know!" said Ron very abruptly. "Filch!"

Hermione grinned. "That's perfect. Good thinking Ron."

Ron sat beaming, Harry scowled at him.

"Okay," Hermione said, scribbling words down on her parchment, "Now I just need a ridiculous story for him."

She looked around the room for some form of inspiration but none came. Seeing the confused look on her face, Harry gave a suggestion. "How about we make him out to be an avid cross-dresser?"

Hermione screwed up her nose in disgust. "Eww, no. Even I don't want to imagine Filch in a mini skirt.

"How about he marries Mrs. Norris?" suggested Ron.

"I think we've outplayed the whole married-a-different-species scoop."

"He's a ballerina?"

"Again, gross."

"A toad?"

"Okay, now you're just being stupid."

Both Harry and Ron shrugged their shoulders. Asking those two for help was hopeless. It was kind of like talking to monkeys only maybe a little bit worse. Then it suddenly hit her.

"I think I have it!" she suddenly shouted.

"What is it?" asked Ron enthusiastically. "It's the Mrs. Norris thing right?"

Hermione sighed.

"No Ron I already told you I'm not using that idea," she said as she gathered her things and started heading towards her dorm.

"Well what is it?" shouted Harry.

"You'll have to wait like everyone else!"

The door slammed and Ron and Harry were suddenly alone in the common room.

"I hate it when she says that," said Ron.

The next morning when the post came, Hermione tore open a copy of the nearest Quibbler and began to search for her story. By now, the whole hall was looking at her expectantly and most likely waiting to get their own copy. She found the story on page four again and repeated what she had done before. She handed Harry and Ron a copy and then started selling them to everyone else. All the students were in a rush to receive one.

The article, once again, was headed off by a moving picture. This time it was Filch dressed in a ridiculous clown suit. Mrs. Norris was in his arms wearing what looked like a ruffled collar and a jester hat complete with dangling bells. The article read:

_**Argus Filch, Part Time Caretaker, Seeks To Be Next Biggest Circus Star**_

_Argus Filch is a man of many talents. This wonderful man's main job is Caretaker to the grounds of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry but not many people know that he is hiding a big secret. We have a source that informs us that Argus Filch is secretly a Circus Clown! With his partner, "Mrs. Norris the Magnificent" seen in above picture, Argus has been hard at work as a regular birthday clown with big hopes of making it big at the big top. We once again have an interview with the jaw-dropping, beauty queen Hermione who says that she has seen Argus Filch at his clownish activities more than once._

"_Yes I have seen him in a full clown costume. He looks extremely funny with his huge shoes and his little hat with a daisy sticking out of it. I have also seen his routine and it is amazing. I never would have believed it but then I remembered that he has tons of confiscated toys, and various Zonko products in his cabinets. I wouldn't be surprised if he was building his very own circus in his office right now."_

_We weren't able to get inside his office but we were able to find out several other things from many other students._

"_There is always music coming from his office." says one very excited Hufflepuff._

"_I caught him in full costume once," says a small boy named Colin Creevy. "He let me take a picture of him. Wow, he was amazing."_

"_I always thought that there was something different about that Filch," says one Gryffindor Dean Thomas. "Now I know why he has that cat so well trained."_

_We also got in an interview with one of the teachers at Hogwarts._

"_Filch is great," says Rubeus Hagrid, Care of Magical Creatures professor, "kind of shifty eyed in a way; but hey it could just be a pair of joke eyes from Zonko's joke shop!" _

_Well there you have it, despite his dirty appearance and evil personality there lies a joyful person who has dreams just like every other witch, wizard, and muggle alike. We wish Filch much luck and a successful career as Hogwarts own resident funnyman._

The Great Hall was already erupting with laughter. Hermione had gotten the idea for this after thinking about monkeys. They reminded her of the circus and therefore reminded her of clowns. She was incredibly happy that it had worked out.

"Again," Ron yelled amongst the waves of laughter, "brilliant. Incredibly brilliant."


	3. Third Target: Snape

It was safe to say that Filch wasn't exactly happy about the article. However, it took a few days for him to even realize that there was an article about him. After a couple of days, Hermione had given up hope of letting Filch find the article on his own and decided to help him find it. She walked up to his office and casually slipped the copy of the Quibbler under his office door and then ran like hell for fear of Mrs. Norris ratting her out. By that same day, much to Hermione's delight, Filch had discovered the story. At first, Filch behaved as if nothing had happened for he still patrolled the halls and handed out detentions to unsuspecting victims. But eventually, one person who received a particularly nasty detention decided to try his luck. The student simply said to Filch's face these exact words, "I'm glad that you are a circus clown, because now you have some make-up to cover up your ugly face."

Filch wasn't happy. The only reason that he didn't give this one student at least one hundred more detentions was because there were five other students in the hall at the time that had heard the clown comment. Upon hearing it, they started to laugh and this scared the hell out of Filch. He stood there stunned for about five whole minutes, his lip twitching in anger and his face turning as red as a clown nose. Only after several other students drawn by the sound of laughter had appeared did Filch turn on his heel and run away while the students threw various fruit at him such as tomatoes and lemons. Mrs. Norris also had her share of taunts and torture. Apparently a small group of the students had actually sewn a small jester hat for the sole purpose of catching Mrs. Norris and forcing it upon her. She eventually stopped patrolling the halls as well as Filch.

Once again, Hermione was a hero. With Filch and Mrs. Norris out of the way, the students had a little bit more freedom to do as they pleased. However, after about three consecutive days of walking into a dungbomb-scented hallway, Hermione quickly regretted her decision to attack Filch.

"I'm getting sick of this," Hermione said as she plopped down onto one of the common room's comfortable armchairs.

"Sick of what?" asked Harry.

"I'm sick of smelling like a dungbomb everyday," she groaned, smelling a sleeve of her robe. "I'm sick of the widespread chaos running throughout the halls every day."

"You're just picking the wrong halls to go through," Ron said with a grin.

"Yeah, this is great. As long as we don't run into Snape, we'll never get another detention," Harry said happily.

Hermione didn't look happy at all. "We should have never done Filch, he keeps all of the nitwits around here under control. It's all your fault, Ron."

"My fault?" Ron yelled indignantly, dropping a half-eaten chocolate frog as Hermione's anger was directed towards him. "You wrote the bloody story!"

"Well it was your idea to do Filch!" Hermione fired back.

"You said it was a good idea!" Ron said, looking hurt.

"That's because you didn't give me any other good ones!"

"Harry and I suggested loads of other people but you didn't want to use them!" shouted Ron.

"So what! I can't help it if you have bad ideas!"

"Guys!" Harry yelled.

"They weren't bad ideas!" Ron continued, ignoring Harry.

"Crabbe and Goyle would have been perfect but you were too selfish to use our suggestions weren't you? Wouldn't have gotten enough satisfaction from your little story because they weren't here to make fun of!"

Hermione looked like she had been slapped, "How dare you say that! You know I'm doing this to help Harry! I don't want the satisfaction for myself!"

"Then why don't you let one of us write a story for once?"

"Because you're too thick to put something other than a simple sentence on parchment!"

"GUYS!"

This time Harry got their attention. Both had whipped around so fast that they could have gotten whiplash.

"Will you listen to yourselves?" Harry scolded. "All you ever do is argue!"

"So Filch wasn't exactly a brilliant choice," Harry reasoned, "but we can't just sit here and argue about it. I think we should just stop doing this whole thing since it's obviously doing more harm than justice."

"No, we can't stop doing this!" shouted Hermione.

"Why not?" asked Harry, glad that they weren't arguing anymore.

"Because..." she seemed to be searching for an answer. "Because these people deserve some humiliation."

"Why?" Harry asked.

Hermione was taken aback by this question, "Because they humiliated _you_." She looked at him quizzically, "Don't you want revenge?"

"No," said Harry plainly, "I don't want to sink to their level."

Hermione looked shocked.

"That's what bothered me when you came up with the idea," Harry continued, "You usually aren't the kind of person who seeks revenge on people."

Now Hermione was on the verge of tears, "Well when I used to just let things go and ignore every little remark, you two would always get angry with me. Now when I change my ways to help you out, you're angry again."

Ron's expression softened slightly but he still looked angry, Harry only sighed.

"Okay, okay," Harry said, "let's just forget about the whole argument and think about who we could attack next."

Hermione smiled weakly, "Alright."

"Fine, but this time either Harry or I get to choose the next victim." Ron said venomously.

"No." Hermione said at once.

"Why not? You said we could give Rita stories if we wanted to." Ron's voice was rising again.

"I meant you could write the stories. I was going to be the only one who chose the victim."

"Oh and why is that? So we wouldn't run into trouble? Didn't really work out last time, did it?"

"Let's just go with Ron's idea." Harry interjected quickly before Hermione could respond.

The look on Hermione's face suggested that she didn't think much of the situation but she apparently was keen to stop arguing for she didn't speak up.

"Now, who will it be?" said Harry.

Both Harry and Ron sat there thinking hard for a while as Hermione stared at them with a tortured look on her face. Harry was almost positive that she was just bursting to shout out that it was a horrible idea to let them think of a victim. Suddenly Ron's eyes widened and he looked as if he were going into shock.

"I have the perfect person," he said, still wide eyed, "I just don't know why I hadn't thought about it before."

"Well who is it?" Harry asked impatiently.

"Snape."

Harry's eyes widened as well at the mention of their potions professor. It was a brilliant idea but it was going against one minor rule.

"No way," said Hermione sternly, "I said insignificant people."

"Snape is insignificant to me," said Ron with disgust, "plus you have to let us pick Hermione."

"I know, but this is ridiculous. Snape would murder us. You know how he is, he's always waiting for an opportunity to punish us."

"That greasy git doesn't need an opportunity to punish us, he'd punish us if we breathed wrong."

"I don't care, it's too risky."

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed, "this is a great once in a lifetime opportunity! Just say yes."

He stared at her with a large frown and overly large eyes. Hermione figured he was trying to make a puppy-dog face. It wasn't working.

"No. It'll ruin our chances of keeping this going."

"I'm going to do it," Ron said firmly, "I don't care if he finds out it was me, I don't even care if I get detention for the rest of my life, it will be worth the humiliation I'm going to cause him."

Hermione and Harry were shocked by his sudden confidence. Hermione actually thought secretly to herself that he looked kind of sexy, but she quickly dismissed the thought.

"Fine, go ahead and get into trouble, but I don't want to be any part of it!"

With that, she gathered her books, strode over to the stairs, and stormed off to the girl's dormitory.

"Fine by me!" Ron shouted after her.

"Great!" Harry said. "Now let's think of a story."

>>>

After several hours of brainstorming, fine-tuning, and some more arguing the two of them had a story. They both agreed that it was a brilliant story and considering how much Snape was disliked by most of the students, the Quibbler was sure to gain many more fans than the previous two stories had gained. Plus they added a little more to this story than the others.

The very next day around lunchtime, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had taken one of the secret passageways out to Hogsmeade. Hermione went with them only because she thought Ron and Harry were untrustworthy with such a risky article and she said (at least one hundred times) that she was only going to make sure it made the journey safely. They met with a very twitchy Rita Skeeter in the Three Broomsticks. She seemed very nervous and kept glancing over her shoulder as if expecting an attack. She was also wearing horrible looking robes that made her look like a homeless person. Considering the fact that she kept looking over her shoulder every two minutes suggested that she was trying to hide from somebody or something and Hermione thought that her robes, if they were an attempt to camouflage her, were actually doing the opposite of what was intended. After about the two hundredth time that she looked over her shoulder Hermione asked what her problem was.

"I think I'm being spied on," she said as she lowered her voice to a whisper and checked to see if anyone was listening.

"By who?" Hermione breathed with the same volume of voice.

"Malfoy," she said nervously.

Hermione, Ron, and Harry all yelled out, "WHAT?" at the same time causing other people in the Three Broomsticks to turn and stare.

"Be quiet!" she hissed.

"Are you sure Malfoy is actually spying on you or are you just being paranoid?" Hermione said, regaining her whispered tone.

"I'm almost positive he's spying on me. I've seen him and his huge friends here everyday around twelve thirty in the afternoon, which is the time I usually come here to eat lunch."

"Oh no," Hermione said, "he must be coming here every time we're having lunch at school."

"We thought he was just avoiding the Great Hall out of embarrassment," said Ron.

Both Hermione and Ron exchanged looks of fear.

"But how would he know that we were meeting here?" asked Harry. "He would have had to overheard one of us talking about our meeting place."

"Ooh that sneaky little ferret, I bet he's been spying on us ever since he read that first article." Ron seethed.

"Maybe we should stop." Hermione said.

"I agree with Hermione," said Rita, "He knows I'm (she lowered her voice even more) an animagus too. He could turn me in, he could ruin me."

"No, we aren't going to stop just because Malfoy has been snooping around," said Harry firmly. "The only thing I hate more than Malfoy himself is when he ruins things for us."

"But if he finally runs into Rita, then he might..."

"I don't care. Like Ron said about Snape, whatever happens as a result of this is worth the humiliation on our part. Now give her the story, Ron."

Hermione turned up her nose at the article as Ron handed it over as if to show her disgust for it. Rita handled it as if it were a poisonous spider and curled her nose at it in disgust.

"So, who is this one about?" Rita finally said, with a definite note of annoyance in her voice.

Ron was about to tell her when Hermione jabbed him hard in the ribs and pointed at the front door. Malfoy, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle, had just entered and he definitely was behaving as if he was looking for someone.

"Come on!" Hermione whispered to Harry and Ron as she motioned them to follow her. "Rita, whatever you do, do NOT let him see you!"

With that, Hermione, Ron, and Harry slithered passed Malfoy, luckily without being spotted, and headed back towards the secret passageway into Hogwarts.

>>>>

They sat at the breakfast table, waiting for the Quibbler to arrive in a tense and unnatural silence. They were all a little nervous about Rita and them being seen by Malfoy and therefore had little to be calm about.

"What happens if she was seen?" Ron suddenly said.

Harry shrugged. He was absently toying with his half-eaten sausages.

"She probably turned into her animagus form," Hermione suggested as she joined them at the table with her breakfast in hand. Hermione was annoyed that an article that she didn't support was currently headed towards Hogwarts but she still never missed a chance to show off her knowledge.

"Yeah, I'll bet she did," said Ron, suddenly looking more cheerful, "yeah, it'll be fine, he didn't see her." He started to shovel down his food rigorously.

All of a sudden the morning post arrived, causing Harry and Ron to jump out of their seats and stand ready to grab the copies as soon as they were dropped. Ron caught the first stack and tore it open rapidly. His eyes searched every page until he came to page four and a grin spread across his face that let Harry know that everything was fine. Forgetting that he had a copy of his own clutched in his hand, Harry stared at Ron to watch his reaction as his eyes traveled down the page. Finally, Ron burst into tears of laughter causing Harry to rip open his copy and the crowd in the Great Hall to run over and snatch up the remaining ones. Hermione simply rolled her eyes and went back to her breakfast but Harry saw her throw an occasional sideways glance at a copy next to her plate.

The picture showed Severus Snape sitting at a table and looking around suspiciously. This table looked very much like the tables you'd see in the Three Broomsticks and the set-up of the building looked very much like the Three Broomsticks. As the picture moved, Snape looked around several times, leaning back in his chair and looking towards the door to the outside as if he were waiting for someone. Finally a pool of light poured over Snape signaling somebody had entered the building. A hooded man walked over, sat down next to Snape, and lowered a bundle containing a squirming something onto the table. The bundle made Snape's eyes light up as if it contained treasures of his wildest dreams. The man whose face was hidden by the hood of his robes finally revealed himself to be none other than Peter Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew then discreetly revealed to Snape the bundle that turned out to be a flobberworm. But not just any flobberworm, this was Draco's flobberworm. You could tell by its size. Below the picture was the familiar bold headline that was followed by the story. It read:

_**Severus Snape, Peter Pettigrew, Caught in Bizarre Love Triangle with Draco Malfoy's Flobberworm Partner**_

_Onlookers in the Three Broomsticks were appalled and shocked at the sight of Severus Snape and Peter Pettigrew fondling Draco Malfoy's flobberworm lover. Although the meeting was meant to be a secret, passersby couldn't help noticing the horrid display of "inter-special" bonding. _

"_It's just gross," said a drunken old wizard sitting at a nearby table who was shouting ridiculously loud. "Not just because it's a little wormy-thing but also because I thought that worm was happily married." The drunken wizard slams his drink onto the counter in a rage._

_Students from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry who frequent this wonderful place saw their "ugly git" of a potions professor in this unruly, and disgusting sight._

_I tried to get an interview with the devilishly handsome and incredibly intelligent Ron Weasley but all he could do was dry heave. I luckily did get an interview with Severus Snape himself._

"_What do you mean why are you kissing that Flobberworm? I can kiss it when I damn well please! Now go away! 500 points from Gryffindor!"_

_I tried to ask him more questions but at that moment he started snogging violently with the gluttonous flobberworm that, until this meeting, belonged only to Draco Malfoy._

_By that time, all of the people in the building had thrown up, passed out, or stormed outside in disgust. The two disgusting perverts seemed to think this was a good idea for they now had more privacy. _

_I asked Peter Pettigrew how he got the flobberworm._

"_I just stole him from Draco," he said simply. "Their marriage was on the rocks anyway." He then spat on my shoes so I spat in his face and ran like hell from the bar and joined the other people outside, some of which were still vomiting. I found certain people who weren't vomiting and got interviews from them._

"_Snape smells like cheese," said one random person who oddly enough smelled like cheese himself._

"_Snape doesn't deserve that flobberworm!" said a young Ravenclaw girl. "He treats magical creatures horribly! I heard he once caused and oil spill in the Hogwarts Lake from falling head first into it! He's so greasy!"_

"_I thought Peter Pettigrew was dead," said the same random person who smelled like cheese. That's when I got my pepper spray out. No more cheese man._

"_I heard those two were trying to get Mrs. Norris at first," said a really ugly, putrid smelling, hairy, pug-faced Slytherin girl. "But she was too busy with circus training."_

_I then saw the lovebirds leave the Three Broomsticks and disappear down a dark alleyway. I would have followed them but...that's nasty. I really didn't want to find out what they were doing in that dark alleyway._

_So there you have it. Snape, Pettigrew, and the Flobberworm in a weird love triangle. Gross isn't it? Next time you see Draco Malfoy in the Three Broomsticks looking around you'll know why. So help him out and keep on the lookout. Together we will put a stop to this horrible and disgusting crime. I am currently making up flyers to help aid in the search for the missing flobberworm. Don't hesitate to make some of your own flyers. Oh and in case I forgot to mention, Severus Snape is a greasy git._


	4. Double Trouble

Harry, Ron, and Hermione spent a good amount of time basking in the glory of the newly published article. Even though Hermione thought it had been a bad idea, she seemed satisfied so far with the school's response and figured that nothing bad was going to happen to them after all. The thing they did have to worry about, however, was Rita. They still weren't sure if Malfoy had spotted her or not. Sure the article came out unscathed but there was still a possibility that he could have tracked her down afterwards and threatened her. Hermione suggested several times to Harry and Ron that they should take it down a notch so as not to blow their already fragile cover; she even suggested that they stop for a while to let things cool down but Harry and Ron quickly stomped on that idea.

However, they all agreed to take turns sneaking out to the Three Broomsticks during their lunch period one by one and every other day just to make sure nothing fishy was happening. The days that she was there provided Harry and Ron with immense relief as she informed them every time that she was safe and that there was no need to worry. Hermione, however, found it slightly unsettling that Rita could just go from panic mode to no worries after such a close call on their last meeting. Of course, she thought to herself that Harry and Ron were too thick to pick up on this because they seemed like an enormous weight had been lifted from their shoulders. Hermione made a note to herself to be careful with the next article, no matter what Harry and Ron said.

Potions. Not exactly the most fun of all the classes at Hogwarts, but after the article about Snape was released to the public, people were practically counting down the hours until their lesson with him. The response to his article was slightly different than Malfoy's and Filch's. Nobody mentioned it to him, nobody made fun of him, they all kept quiet about it. It was almost as if they were waiting until they got him into his own territory to mention it. As the three of them left the common room the next day and headed towards potions, they all had a sense of anticipation flowing within them.

"What do you think will happen?" asked Ron as they left the portrait hole.

"I really feel like this is actually going to be a fun potions class," said Harry with a dreamy sort of look.

"Oh honestly," said Hermione. "You know how Snape is. He doesn't tolerate any nonsense in his classroom. I doubt it'll be any different from any other day."

"You really know how to squash the fun out of things, Hermione," said Ron. "Snape will be surrounded by students who've read that article and they are all going to try and take a crack at him."

"Are we talking about the same teacher, Ronald? Everyone is afraid of Snape, including you. Nobody's going to dare take a crack at him."

"I am not scared of him!" Ron said looking outraged.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. Even Harry stopped to look at him.

"Wha…I'm not!"

"Okay, Ron, you aren't," Hermione said with a grin as she started to walk again.

All Ron could retort was a dramatic puff. That was proof enough for Hermione.

When they entered the dungeons, there were a series of whispered rumors floating throughout the room. Parvati and Padma had their heads down and were giggling frantically. Harry saw Dean and Seamus bewitching their noses to grow similar in appearance to that of Snape's and then taking turns violently snogging a picture of a flobberworm. Hermione heard a rumor from a group of Ravenclaw girls nearby that the flobberworm had left on it's own because Malfoy wasn't able to keep it happy. Others were saying that Snape was keeping the flobberworm and Peter Pettigrew both locked up in his office. Hermione smiled at Ron. She had always wanted this to happen. A form of mass media spreading awful rumors about an enemy, so to speak, and what was even better was having the readers telling their own versions of the story to others as if it were actually true. Harry was finally getting the spotlight away from him, and Hermione and Ron could definitely tell he was happier.

They heard a loud bang behind them as the dungeon doors closed and Snape entered the room. Everyone went quiet upon his appearance but Hermione wasn't sure if that was a result of the story or just because he had that effect on the students. He was his usual self, sneering maliciously at everybody who made eye contact with him and beginning the lesson of the day with the usual snide comment.

"Well, let's see if we can get through today's lesson without screwing up as, of course, somebody always does. Turn to page two hundred and eight. Today we will begin discussing the ingredients needed to brew the Polyjuice Potion."

Hermione, Harry, and Ron all looked at each other and smiled. They had already, mastered this. Well at least Hermione did. There was silence for a while except for the rustling of pages and the scrape of the bewitched and levitating chalk on the board. Hermione began to copy the notes from the board when she noticed a hand in the air. It was a Ravenclaw boy whom Hermione had never met before. She was glad that it wasn't a Gryffindor because she really didn't feel like losing points while she was on a roll with other things. Snape continued to look back and forth between his notes on the table and the chalkboard, oblivious to the outstretched hand. Other people started to make noises with their chairs and books to get Snape to look up but nobody was successful. Somebody, whom Hermione was pretty sure was Ron, cleared his throat loudly and in doing so, grabbed Snape's attention. He didn't call on the boy right away. He simply stared at him, probably trying to guess what the question would be. He finally straightened up over his books and asked in a very deep and annoyed voice, "Yes, Mr. Monaghan?"

Everyone turned to look at him, all most likely expecting him to say something about the article. Ron was hanging on the edge of his seat.

"Will this be a part of our NEWTS?"

The whole class let out a disappointed sigh. Hermione heard Ron curse under his breath and she looked over at him with an expression of "I told you so" written on her face. Leave it up to a Ravenclaw to ask a question about education in a moment of such great potential for hilarity.

"Yes, Mr. Monaghan, the Polyjuice Potion will be on your NEWTS so I suggest you take excellent notes," Snape said with much emphasis on the word 'excellent'. "I know that even taking the simplest of notes is difficult for most of you to do but I have neither the time nor the patience to speak slowly."

Ron had a tortured look on his face. He did not like that the opportunity his story had provided to make fun of Snape was slowly slipping away. Hermione saw Ron show the initiative to raise his hand a few times but he was never brave enough to go through with it. Hermione smiled to herself. She loved being right.

"Now, we will begin, as I said before, with the ingredients for the Polyjuice Potion. Over the past year, the ingredients have changed slightly to allow the drinker to keep in his altered form for a longer period of time. I have written the original ingredients on the board and I would like you to copy them down now."

The room was filled with the sound of scratching quills for a brief moment and Snape walked back and forth between desks to check on each student's progress. Hermione, who had already copied the notes, was already trying to figure out which new ingredients would go into the modified recipe. The scratching stopped and Snape spoke again.

"The new ingredients are as follows." He stopped speaking and pointed at the board with his wand. All fourteen ingredients of the Polyjuice potion separated at steps nine and ten to make space for the new ingredients to fit in. After the rearranging, two new ingredients appeared and all at once, the class broke out into explosions of laughter. The tenth ingredient that had appeared on the board was labeled 'Flobberworm Slime'. Ron had practically fallen out of his seat and was clutching his sides with laughter.

Snape turned quickly to look at the class in an outrage. "SILENCE!" he yelled.

The class stopped laughing at once but an occasional giggle was still audible.

"What is the meaning of this horrible racket?" he demanded, eyeing the class suspiciously. "What is it that you find so irresistibly funny?"

The class remained silent. Everyone was too afraid to say anything.

"So you were just laughing idiotically for no reason?" Snape asked maliciously. "I see this class has taken their stupid potions this morning. MOVING ON!"

The class jumped but many of them had scowls on their faces. Hermione noticed that Seamus had suddenly raised his hand.

"Yes Mr. Finnegan?" drawled Snape.

"I was wondering if you yourself came up with these new ingredients?" asked Seamus in a mock serious tone. A number of loud snorts were heard throughout the room.

Snape stared at him as if he had transformed into dancing polar bear. "What kind of question is that Mr. Finnegan? If I had made this great discovery I certainly would not still be here teaching retched students such as yourself and your fellow classmates. Now start on your potion or you will receive detention."

Seamus looked thoroughly disappointed. Dean then decided to take action and Ron could hardly contain his happiness.

"What is it, Mr. Thomas?" Hermione could tell that Snape was becoming annoyed.

"So you had no part in this discovery even with your great experience with certain parts of it?" This time the class laughed out loud as Dean placed much emphasis on the word 'great'.

"Mr. Thomas. What would give you the impression that I would have _great_ experience with…"(he looked back at the board)"…Flobberworm Slime and Dragon Scales? That will be a detention for you and for anyone else who has another stupid question."

Dean sunk down in his chair in defeat and anger. Ron couldn't resist. He thrust his hand into the air; a sight in which Hermione was quite sure she had never seen before. However, this time it seemed as if Snape had elected to ignore him. Ron began to wave his arm frantically which looked very similar to what Hermione would often to do. Snape still chose to ignore him. Finally Ron did something he had never done in Snape's classroom before; he called out.

"Professor, I have a question."

He said this rather forcefully and it made the whole class grow still. Neville looked at him in admiration for having such bravery while in the midst of Snape.

"I believe it is common procedure for a teacher to call on a student to give them the right to speak, Mr. Weasley." Snape said as his lip curled. "Five points from Gryffindor. Now sit down and do your work."

Ron didn't give up that easily. "Well I was raising my hand and I believe that it is common procedure that a teacher should call on anyone who has a question."

Hermione widened her eyes. Many people gasped. This was so unlike Ron.

"Ten points," growled Snape.

"Why, because I have a question?"

"Are you trying to lose the house cup for Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley?"

"Was your own species not good enough for you?" Ron blurted this out rather quickly as if this were his only chance to say it. Nobody laughed. They simply gaped at him. Hermione had hidden behind her potions textbook. "You have no sense of subtlety, Ron," she mumbled to herself.

Snape stared at Ron for a few moments before swooping out from behind his desk and down upon him like an angry hawk. It was Harry's turn to hide behind his textbook. Snape's face stopped inches from Ron's who now looked horrified as if he only just realized who he had been talking to. "Well," Snape hissed, "You're so…how was it phrased? Oh yes...incredibly intelligent. Why don't you figure that one out for yourself?"

If it were even possible, Ron's eyes and mouth grew even wider. He looked helplessly over at Hermione as Snape swept back up to his desk. Hermione, who had been sitting in the next desk over from Ron, looked just as horrified as he did. For the remainder of the class period, the students kept quiet. Everyone wanted desperately to leave the dungeons in one piece now that Snape was angry. The atmosphere of the room was suddenly no longer funny.

As soon as Potions was over, Harry ran over to Ron and Hermione who still looked shocked. "What was that all about?" Harry asked.

"He knows about the article," said Ron with a still horrified look. "We're going to be in so much trouble."

"I told you," Hermione said airily.

Ron scowled at her but deep down he knew that she had been right. She always was.

"Great," said Harry, "Now he's going to turn us in."

"No he won't," said Hermione very certainly.

"What do you mean 'No he won't'? Of course he will. He loves to punish us."

"Well yes he does but Snape wouldn't mention anything unless there was solid evidence to back it up."

Harry stopped and gave Hermione a heated look. "Uh, I mean, except for when it comes to Harry. But usually he plays by the rules."

"Where are you going with this, Hermione?" asked Harry rather impatiently.

"What I'm trying to say is that Snape would never run to Dumbledore and flash that article in front of his face, he'd embarrass himself. Not just because of the content of the article but also because he'd be caught reading the Quibbler."

"Yeah I guess so," said Ron who sounded a little less worried. "But then why did you look so worried back in the class?"

"Because, he and Malfoy are practically father and son," she began logically. "Snape could just ask him about it since he was also a target. If Malfoy knows about us he would definitely rat us out to Snape. Then he'd tell Snape about Rita and then he would probably start sneaking around and spying on her."

"Do you really believe Snape would take the time out of his miserable life to do that?" asked Ron, alarmed.

"Snape loves making our lives difficult, especially Harry's. That would probably be fun for him."

Ron and Harry exchanged nervous glances. Hermione continued.

"That's why I think we should stop for a while. Let things cool down. We could tell Rita to stop going to the Three Broomsticks and, therefore, Malfoy won't be able to find her."

"Assuming he hasn't already found her," said Harry.

"Yes, well, we just have to hope that hasn't happened. So do you two agree with me now?"

Both Harry and Ron looked torn. Neither wanted to give up what they had been so successful with just because Snape was on to them but neither of them wanted anyone to know that they were the writers and that it was all a joke. They were both reluctant with their responses.

"Alright," Harry and Ron said together, looking equally gloomy.

"Let's shake on it then, to make it official."

Hermione held out her hand and Harry and Ron shook it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"It's nice to see Hermione so cheerful today," Ron said sarcastically as he looked over at Hermione. Ron and Harry were filling their plates with sausages and eggs and an assortment of other breakfast foods while Hermione, who had gotten up earlier than them, sat at the table already enjoying her meal. She did indeed have a look of cheerful smugness this morning and Ron found it very annoying.

"I mean, you'd never have guessed that she was the one who started it all."

"Mm," Harry said, paying more attention to his food than Ron.

"Don't you find this annoying?" Ron asked when he heard Harry's uninterested response.

"Well, I did all day yesterday but to tell you the truth, I'm kind of glad it's over."

Ron gave Harry a disgusted look, "It's nice to know you're still on my side."

"Oh come off it, Ron. I'm still on your side. It's just nice not having to worry."

"I know mate, but it was so much fun," said Ron with a look of a child being deprived of his candy.

They had walked over to the table and sat down next to Hermione who was chatting up a storm with Ginny. Ron mocked her as she laughed and made faces behind her back. Harry laughed causing Hermione to turn around to greet them.

"Hello, lovely day isn't it?"

"Yeah, real lovely," said Ron, each word dripping with sarcasm.

Hermione heard the sarcasm and changed her happy attitude into a sour one.

"Oh stop blubbering about the you-know-what, Ron," she said, still aware that Ginny was within earshot. "We had to stop sometime."

"What 'you-know-what'?" pried Ginny.

"It's nothing," Hermione said quickly.

"You mean the article, right?" Ginny said almost immediately after Hermione spoke.

Ron, Harry, and Hermione froze. Ginny watched them all like they were a bomb ready to explode. She snickered at the looks on their faces.

"Ginny," Ron said, "that's not funny. How did you know about that?"

"Everybody knows about it," she said, but after seeing the shocked looks on their faces she added," Well, at least all of our friends know."

"How?" asked Hermione.

"Well, incredibly intelligent was kind of a dead giveaway for me. I mean, come on. Everyone knows that Ron isn't in... Never mind."

"Isn't in what?" Ron demanded.

Hermione and Harry snorted loudly while Ron sat in a stupor. Ginny had pretty much proved her point.

"Yes, I figured that would get us into trouble one day," said Hermione.

"Maybe that's how Snape found out," said Harry.

"Snape knows?" gasped Ginny. "Wow, now you three are in serious trouble."

She stopped and smiled.

"What is it?" asked Harry.

"Well, I just have to hand it to you. Those articles were pretty damn funny."

Harry beamed at her. Hermione frowned slightly. She had never heard Ginny swear before.

"Hey!" Ron suddenly exclaimed causing the other three to jump. "I'm smart enough to be called incredibly intelligent!"

The three of them burst out laughing while Ron sat there steaming at Ginny. "Okay Ron," Ginny said between giggles, "That part of the conversation ended about five minutes ago."

Ron turned away hiding his scarlet cheeks and began shoveling down his food while the others resumed their conversation.

"So do you think that there's a possibility that Dumbledore knows?" asked Harry.

"I doubt it. Nobody but Snape would tell him about it. And Snape would never show that article to Dumbledore." Ginny started laughing again as the thought of Snape kissing a flobberworm entered her mind again.

"That's exactly what I was saying the other day," said Hermione.

"What the...?" Ron said suddenly through a mouthful of egg. Harry, Hermione, and Ginny looked at him as he sat staring at the ceiling. They all looked in the same direction and found themselves speechless. The morning post had arrived and four owls were carrying their usual large bundles of the Quibbler with them. Hermione thought for a moment that they were heading towards another table but they were indeed heading for her. As soon as they landed on the table the Great Hall around them fell silent. They were all waiting for their own copies as usual.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat wide-eyed for a long time until Ginny said something. "I thought you said you weren't doing it anymore?"

"So did I," said Hermione. "Which one of you did it?"

"What? I would never," said Harry looking scandalized.

"Ronald?" Hermione demanded.

"No, not me," he said honestly.

"What's the matter?" came the malicious drawl that belonged only to Draco Malfoy. "Not what you expected?"

The four of them jumped up and whipped around to stare at Malfoy who was flanked by Crabbe and Goyle. The three of them had equally crafty looks.

"See, I always thought that I was no good with journalism," continued Malfoy. "In fact, I found it a downright bore. But lately I've found it rather enjoyable."

"What have you done, Malfoy?" demanded Harry.

"Nothing you wouldn't do," he said with a sneer. Crabbe and Goyle snickered loudly.

Hermione, Harry, and Ron exchanged looks of fear. Had Malfoy found Rita? Was he just playing with them? As they stood in a state of shock, they forgot that the magazines were only inches away from them.

Malfoy's eyes glowed maliciously.

"You forgot I am the king..."

"YAY! MALFOY AND THE FLOBBERWORM ARE BACK!" cried a loud voice that seemed to come from the very opposite end of the room.

"What the…Who said that?" yelled Malfoy.

He scanned the room for the person who shouted out but there were just too many students to pick one out. The room was silent again.

"As I was saying, you forgot that I am the king of..."

"HOW'S YOUR INTER-SPECIEAL GLUTINOUS PARTNER DOING AFTER THE INCIDENT?"

"Don't make me come over there! If I find out who that is they will pay!"

Silence again fell throughout the hall. Crabbe and Goyle looked around stupidly.

"Anyway, I am the king of...(there was a brief pause to make sure no one else decided to yell out)...revenge."

The three of them, like the rest of the hall, remained silent. Malfoy snickered.

"Read page four."

They hesitated for a moment and then walked over to grab a copy. As one, they all turned to page four and what they saw made their jaws drop.


	5. The Plan

_**Rubeus Hagrid: Keeper of Keys or Creator of Monsters?**_

_Rubeus Hagrid, great bumbling idiot of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, is as everyone knows a half-giant. A story was published in "The Daily Prophet" about his "giant" ancestry two years ago and although he was still permitted to stay at Hogwarts, many people still believe he is a danger to the students. Although there are some naive individuals who believe he is harmless, we have an inside source saying that this is absolutely untrue. Shortly after the previous story was dismissed, rumors started flying about current headmaster Albus Dumbledore appointing the giant oaf the position of Hogwarts first ever monster maker! Many people have reported Rubeus Hagrid raving about the position after he's had a few drinks. He's been heard saying things such as, "Dumbledore hired me to build up an army!" "Won't be anything that can stop it!" "The ministry will be powerless!" "Give me more Firewhiskey!"_

_Scared students have reported to their families and parents are becoming outraged. __Everyone knows that Giants are horrible creatures with a thirst for blood and the intelligence of a bag of marbles but Rubeus Hagrid doesn't need intelligence when he has Albus Dumbledore around. Just think, the brains and the brawn together planning to downfall of the ministry all because the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge doesn't agree with Dumbledore's views on the Dark Lord. Plans for the creation of these monsters may already be underway so it's safe to say that we all better be on the lookout, especially the Ministry._

It wasn't a very long article, but it was long enough to start trouble. The three of them looked at each other and then to the surrounding crowd. All eyes were on them and Malfoy couldn't help but sneer.

"Like it?" Malfoy asked. "I think it captures his personality dead on." Malfoy walked over to them until he was less than a foot apart from Harry. "Now listen up," he whispered menacingly, "I have some things I'd like you to do."

Hermione shuddered, he sounded a lot like she did when she first threatened Rita.

"It's my turn for a little payback," he hissed. "From now on you are going to publish my stories and treat them as if you wrote them. No matter what the content. You are going to sell them as they are yours and carry out your normal routine."

"Shove off, Malfoy! We aren't doing that." Ron hissed back.

Malfoy continued to sneer. "Oh you aren't? I'd say you have no choice." He flashed the Quibbler in front of his face. "All because of this little baby."

"What do you mean, Malfoy?" Harry growled. "Nobody will take that seriously, it's in the Quibbler!"

"You're so stupid, scarhead. You forget that my father has built up some great connections with the Ministry. And of course the Daily Prophet."

Harry's eyes widened. He had forgotten that the Malfoy's were "friends" with Fudge.

"So," he continued, "that means, if you don't do it, I'll just send this to Rita to publish in the Daily Prophet. Everybody will take _that _seriously."

The three of them scowled at him. They were stuck at the mercy of Draco Malfoy.

"Oh and I'll know if you haven't sent that particular envelope by tomorrow. It's got a special little spell I put on it that acts as a timer. If the envelope isn't in the hands of Rita Skeeter by twelve tomorrow, I'll know about it, and I'll just send this little baby off right away."

"You're dead, Malfoy!" Harry shouted and lunged towards him. Crabbe and Goyle jumped in front of Malfoy and grabbed hold of Harry's arms. Malfoy laughed at his attempt.

"You really want to be careful," Malfoy said pointing to the paper in his hand, "It's only an owl away."

Harry backed away but he never took his eyes off of him. Hermione and Ron scowled menacingly at him.

"Ok then," Malfoy said, "if you three have nothing else to say, not that it'd matter, I'll be taking these papers and letting you take the good stuff to Rita." Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle each picked up a bundle of papers and hitched them over their shoulders. The whole crowd in the Great Hall looked disappointed. Malfoy then took a long brown envelope out of his robes and handed it to Hermione. "Here it is," he sneered, "Mudblood."

Ron lunged at Malfoy but this time Harry held him back. Hermione took the envelope and balled up her fist and made a quick punching action at his face. Malfoy flinched so violently that he fell backwards and if Goyle hadn't been there he would have fallen flat on his back. Malfoy gave Hermione a look of deepest loathing but didn't say anything else and with one sweep of their robes they were gone. Ron looked over at Hermione and threw her a little half smile, Hermione winked back. Harry, however, was breathing deeply and still staring at the retreating Malfoy. The three of them were standing in the middle of the Great Hall with all eyes upon them. They suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable.

"No story this week!" yelled Hermione as she gathered her books and started heading towards the common room with Harry and Ron. A collective sigh of disappointed students echoed throughout the hall but the three of them paid no attention. As soon as they entered the common room, Ron walked straight over to the chair by the fire and plopped down with a loud grunt.

"I hate Malfoy!" he exclaimed loudly. "As soon as we find something that entertains us that great prat has to go and ruin it!"

Harry was pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace and mumbling to himself. Hermione heard a few disgusting swearwords leak from his mouth. The envelope was light but there was undoubtedly something in it. Hermione studied the flap where it opened carefully as if wary not to set off an alarm. Ron looked up from his feet and noticed Hermione examining the envelope.

"What are you doing, Hermione? Checking to see if it's real?"

She gave him an annoyed look and then looked back down at the envelope. "I was just checking to see if it's been tampered with. You know, like if he's sealed it with a spell."

"Malfoy? Seal it with a spell? He's too thick for that. He probably got somebody else to put that other timer spell on it." Ron lunged forward and grabbed the envelope from Hermione's hand and began to tear at it furiously.

"Ron! No! Wait!" Hermione yelled, but by then it was too late. Just as Ron dug his finger under the seal to open it, a thick purple liquid oozed onto his finger and hissed as if it were burning him. Ron jumped and threw the envelope onto the floor cursing loudly. His finger was swelling at an alarming rate but instead of it being his finger, it was growing into the shape of a nose. Ron looked down at the nose that had just sprouted from his hand with complete disgust. Hermione and Harry looked shocked. It was the size of a lemon when it finally stopped growing and just as soon as it did, dark purple words began to appear on Ron's hand. The words very clearly read, 'Don't be so nosy, Weaselby'.

Crookshanks, upon hearing the commotion pounced onto Ron's lap and proceeded to swat at his enormous finger-nose. Ron shooed him away with his mutated hand and the nose wiggled around limply. "Too thick, eh?" Hermione asked.

Ron scowled at her and kicked at the envelope that had damaged his hand. The words soon began to fade away but the shape still stayed similar to a nose. "Great. Now I have another nose to blow. I hate Malfoy so much!"

"Whatever's in here Malfoy really must want it to be left the way it is." said Harry who was staring at Ron's hand out of the corner of his eye. Ron hid his hand in his robes.

"I just hope it isn't something too horrible." Hermione said.

"Are you serious? This is Malfoy we're talking about. Of course it's going to be horrible! I mean he turned my finger into a bloody nose for Pete's sake!" Hermione made an involuntary snort and Ron quickly put his finger-nose back into his robes, blushing furiously.

"Well," said Harry, "we'll just have to publish it. We can't let him print that story about Hagrid."

"I know," agreed Hermione, "He's always trying to get Hagrid thrown out."

"Yeah, that's good and all," said Ron, "but how in the hell do we know that he won't just publish it anyway? How do we know he's not sending it by owl right now?"

"That's a risk we'll have to take," Harry said miserably.

"Maybe," said Hermione, "or maybe not."

"What? Do you have a plan?" asked Harry.

"I'm not really sure how it will work out but I just thought of something we could do."

"Well what is it?" demanded Ron impatiently.

She thought for another moment and then said, "Remember in second year when we wanted something from Malfoy? Do you remember what we did?"

Harry and Ron exchanged looks. "You mean the Polyjuice potion?" Harry asked.

Hermione nodded.

"But Hermione, that almost ended in disaster and you turned into a cat," said Ron.

"Yeah not to mention the fact that it takes a month to brew," said Harry.

"We'll just have to buy some," said Hermione matter-of-factly, "and Hagrid's reputation, job, and maybe even life might end in disaster if we just sit back and do nothing about it."

Harry and Ron pondered this plan. They knew Hermione had a point and they weren't about to let Malfoy get his way. After a while they both nodded in agreement. "Alright," said Harry, "we'll do it. But don't we still need the hair of a particular Slytherin?"

"Yes," said Hermione, "that's partly what I was trying to figure out."

"We're not using Crabbe and Goyle again." Ron pleaded. "It took a week for all of the hair on my knuckles to fall out."

"We aren't going to use them this time that would be stupid," said Hermione. "We'll have to pick three people who are part of Malfoy's crowd but they can't be too popular. Like maybe fourth or fifth years. Anyone lower than that Malfoy probably won't talk to."

"Well when we have lunch we can pick three vulnerable looking students out of the crowd," said Ron.

"Alright then, let's head over to Care of Magical Creatures, its nearly time for class."

>>

After a particularly rough lesson with Hagrid, the three of them made their way up to their History of Magic class. Of course they never spoke about the article to Hagrid because they didn't want to cause trouble. They wanted their plan to be executed smoothly. It was going to be a very long lesson because of their anxiousness to put their plan into action. When they arrived they sat in the back of the room and Harry and Ron decided to start passing notes to each other. Hermione was taking notes of course and occasionally shooting them disgruntled looks over the top of her quill. As soon as the relentless drone of Professor Binns started up, Harry and Ron began their own conversation.

_Ron._

_Yeah Harry?_

_Do you really think this will work?_

_Sure it will. And if not, we'll still have fun doing it._

_Yeah, you're right._

_Of course I am mate. I'm always right._

_Yeah sure, whatever Ron._

_What? I am!_

_Hey Ron?_

_Yeah?_

_Look at your finger._

_Oh you just had to bring that up didn't you?_

_Well you were the one telling lies about always being right when the proof that you aren't is right under your nose. Or_ is_ your nose for that matter._

_Hey, stop with the bloody nose jokes._

_Oh sorry but you have to admit that two _nose _don't make a right._

_Ok it's just getting old now and that didn't even make sense._

_Yeah well it's still hilarious to me._

_You guys knock it off. I'm not going to give you my notes to copy because you didn't take any for yourself._

_Oh who cares Hermione? Do you think Binns is gonna notice if we don't hand in our homework?_

_This is ridiculous. I'm not going to argue with you over pieces of parchment._

_And yet you still are._

_Yeah stop being so _nosy _Hermione._

_Ok Harry you can stop now._

_All right Ron Sneezley._

After Binns' boring lecture, the three of them made their way down towards the delicious smells wafting up from the Great Hall. Hermione was looking over her notes and scowling at the gap in the paper where her conversation with Harry and Ron had taken place.

"You didn't miss anything, Hermione," Ron mused, "I'm sure he was just talking about the invention of the toilet or something."

Hermione gave Ron a dirty look. "We were learning about the Free the Elves movement in the late 1400's Ronald. If you hadn't been arguing with Harry by pieces of torn parchment you would have known that."

"Yeah sure, free the snails, right," Ron said waving his hand and not paying any attention to Hermione.

As they reached the Gryffindor table and fixed themselves a plate, they immediately started searching for the perfect victims. "Uh, Hermione," Harry said while he peered over her head towards the Slytherin table. "How exactly are we going to get the Polyjuice potion by tomorrow, and where are we going to get it."

"I know of a place," she said as she looked over her shoulder at the Slytherins and tried not to look too suspicious at the same time.

"What place?" asked Ron who was stuffing his face but staring continuously over at Malfoy and the group of mammoth guys sitting around him like a shield.

"A place just out of Hogsmeade."

"How far out of Hogsmeade?" asked Harry. He knew that some parts outside of the familiar town were slightly dodgy.

"Just slightly. You'll see when we get there."

"Ooh there's a good bunch!" said Ron joyfully.

Sitting a few seats down from Malfoy were a trio of what looked like fifth year Slytherins. On occasion, Malfoy would tell a joke to one of them and the three would laugh as one. Maybe these were the ones selected to laugh at his jokes, (not that any one of his cronies dared to keep a straight face after he told a joke). It would have been perfect except two of them were girls.

"Uh, Ron? Are you planning on wearing a skirt?" Harry asked upon seeing Ron's find.

"No, mate. I figured you'd be the one who'd take the girl."

"What? Are you mad? I'm not transforming into a girl! I'll never hear the end of it!"

"We won't tell anyone."

"I'm not concerned about anyone. I'm concerned about _you_ making fun of me."

"Well you should have thought that over when you were throwing all of those nose jokes at me!"

"You mean _blowing_ all those nose jokes at you," Hermione spoke up.

Ron's face turned red again. He looked down at his finger (that had shrunk down a bit but was still definitely a nose) and then at Hermione.

"What?" said Hermione, "I had to get you to stop somehow."

"Right," grumbled Ron.

"So anyway, since we are running out of time I think we should take these three people."

"What? Hermione, no!"

"I'm sorry Harry but they look like they have some sort of association with Malfoy and that's what we need. They're perfect."

Harry looked furious at the injustice and reluctantly agreed. He had Hagrid's best interest at heart. After all, Hagrid had done so much for him; why not turn into a girl for Hagrid's sake?

"Good," said Hermione, "now we just need a plan to get their hair."

"We don't need a plan," said Ron. "We just need to wait until they leave, sneak up behind them, yank their hair out, and run."

Harry had expected Hermione to disagree but was surprised when she responded with, "Excellent."

>>>

They walked through the tunnel leading to Honeydukes after they had safely deposited their hair follicles under their pillows. The three of the Slytherins had decided to split up and go into separate directions after lunch so Harry, Ron, and Hermione were momentarily on their own. Harry's target had reacted so suddenly after her hair was pulled that she immediately turned around and punched the tiny second year Slytherin boy behind her. She would have hit Harry but his agility was so excellent from years of Quidditch that he dodged her right hook and was a good ten feet away from her before she hit. Hermione had a look of disgust on her face because she would probably miss a part of her next class. They had about twenty minutes of free time between lunch being officially over and the next class starting but it would be a great feat if they had accomplished all they needed within that short time limit. Ron and Harry were missing Divination so they could care less. Hermione was missing Arithmancy. She just kept reminding herself over and over in her head, "It's for Hagrid, It's for Hagrid."

It was like old times as they shuffled through the small crowd inside Honeydukes underneath the protection of the Invisibility Cloak. They were forced to wait as a line of customers blocked their exit and Ron decided to sneak a Marshmallow Mouse.

"Honestly, Ron," Hermione scolded, "are you six or sixteen?"

"Wha," he said through a huge mouthful of marshmallow, "nobolee cah see meh."

Hermione rolled her eyes and then headed onward as a break in the line appeared. As soon as they were out of the shop they slid down a dark alleyway and took of the cloak.

"Whew," Harry breathed, "it gets so damn hot in there."

"Come on, Ron," Hermione said, exasperated.

"Wait! I have marshmallow in my hair."

Hermione and Harry both pulled his arms and walked out onto the street. "Who cares about your hair, mate? We don't have that much time."

It took them about ten minutes to find the place. Hermione had only seen it in passing about three years ago when she was shopping for potion ingredients. There was another bigger potion store a couple blocks up from this one and that was where most of the shoppers went. After all, the bigger one was called "Life's Potions" while the one they were currently entering was called "Elixir of Death".

As soon as they stepped inside, they breathed in the acrid smell of stale potion and countless chemical concoctions. All three of them went into fits of coughing as if they had walked into a smoking lounge that was a thousand years old.

"Hermione?" Ron asked.

"Yes?"

"Are you really sure about this place?"

"No. But this is the only place that sells previously brewed Polyjuice potions."

"Oh yeah? How previous?" Harry mumbled.

"Do you think they have a potion to get marshmallow out of my hair?" Ron whispered to Harry.

They suddenly heard a loud banging noise as the door leading to the back room flew open and a rather tall and gangly woman jumped out. She had short curly hair that was the color of smoke and it looked like she had caught parts of it on fire a few times. She had pointed black glasses and her robes were a murky green and littered with stains and burn marks. Her small dark blue eyes bore into the three of them menacingly. Hermione thought she looked like a mad scientist like the ones she used to see in horror films during the summer at her house.

"Yes!" cried out the gangly witch whose voice sounded as shrill as a parrot's squawk. "A customer! I can finally rub something in the face of that bloody wizard who owns Life's Potions up the street."

The three of them exchanged uneasy glances. "Well come now," she cried, "don't be shy! What can Ms. Bethesdia Piddleswopper, the self-proclaimed finest potion brewer in the country get for you?"

Ron laughed at the mention of her name but successfully turned it into a cough. They all remained speechless, uneasy about what they should say and how they should say it. The old witch's face fell.

"Oh I get it," she said dismally, "you're more of those deaf and dumb kids that come around here to collect money aren't you? Well I'm sorry but I'm fresh out of money."

She turned to go back into the room she came out of until Ron spoke up.

"Hey we're not dumb!"

"Oh good!" She resumed her eccentric attitude and ran straight towards the register, waiting for them to buy something.

"Um, Ms. Piddleswopper?" Hermione asked cautiously. Ron had laughed at the name again but Hermione elbowed him hard in the ribs. "We were wondering if you had some Polyjuice potion available."

She considered the three of them for a moment. "Wondering about or wanting some, dear?" she demanded.

"Wanting," Hermione gulped.

"Ah! Yes deary! I have gallons of that brew here. How much would you like?"

"Enough for three people."

"Excellent!" She started tinkering around and muttering loudly in a frustrated tone. "I have plenty of this stuff unlike my competitor who makes it fresh daily or something stupid like that. But you have to be of age to buy his potion and you have to submit some request showing the reasons why you need it, and blah, blah, blah."

"What a loony," Ron mouthed to Hermione and Harry and for once, Hermione nodded her head in agreement.

"AH! Here we are! The Polyjuice Potion."

"Now," said Hermione as the witch added up her total, "is this the brew with the new ingredients or the old ones?"

"Why it's the new ones sweetie!" she said, winking at Hermione. "I smuggled them in me self."

"Right," said Hermione with a disgusted look on her face. "How much?"

"That'll be two galleons and eleven sickles," said the witch.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all chipped in, (Ron of course contributing the sickles), and just as they were about to leave with their potion, the witch grabbed onto Hermione's shoulder.

Hermione gasped and both Harry and Ron both instinctively reached for their wands.

"Don't forget to tell your friends about Bethesdia Piddleswopper's Elixir of Death!" she squawked, her eyes shining madly behind her pointed glasses.

"Yeah sure," said Hermione as she removed herself from her grip and started heading for the door. They all let out a huge sigh of relief as they exited the shop and headed back to Honeydukes. As they walked into the dark alleyway to put the cloak back on, Ron announced what all of them were thinking. "Bloody hell. I really hope this is all worth it."


End file.
